Steak Jam and Pineapple Cutlets

I do not always encourage creativity. In the wrong hands it can be very dangerous.

My family and I go camping in the Sierras every year. The people are lovely, the surroundings breathtaking, and the food...not exactly food. The new manager didn't look over forty, but her culinary experience must have been inspired by Great Depression-era parents who not only saved every scrap of food but used it, regardless of age. Furthermore, I suspect she may have formerly worked in a prison kitchen: none of the food had sharp edges. This is all very well for chocolate pudding, but even the tortilla chips were soft and round. The effect is achieved by boiling everything for a few hours past its prime, so that even the toothless members of camp could successfully ingest the coleslaw without later coughing up hard bits of cabbage.

One night I opted out of everything but the dessert, a red pudding with what looked like pieces of dried fruit. I later discovered that the red "pudding" was actually a congealed attempt at gravy; in accordance with the chef's No Food Left Behind policy the meat drippings had been
preserved and placed next to the cookies.

There was the night we found burnt raccoon fur on the outdoor grill right before BBQ night...
To the staff's credit, however, they put on a good show. One night had a Mexican theme, and even the preserved "red pudding" made an appearance, festively decorated with broken up tortilla chips painted like Mexican flags. Hawaiian night ended with a dessert that was essentially the meat entree without meat. The chef made a mistake by serving it in clear cups; her WWII-era parents had clearly taught her nothing about taking her victims by surprise.

Fortunately for you, dear reader, the cups' transparency allowed me to see the ingredients and figure out some semblance of a recipe. I haven't tried it, and don't anticipate ever trying it, but if anyone does you should let me know.

ingredients
- 1 pineapple, either excessively ripe or partially chewed
- 12 packets unflavored gelatin
- dried coconut flakes
- flavor
*for a main course, add mystery meat

1. Read the directions on the gelatin packets and halve the amount of water necessary. Don't stir the gelatin when you add the water. This will result in lumps, but don't remove these before serving the dessert to your guests. mash the pineapple a bit more. Serve.

When we returned home our milk had gone bad, but this led me to the unexpected discovery that half-and-half yields amazing hot chocolate. Don't try if you have ever been or ever plan on being on a diet.