Bitter is Better?

I'm incredibly lazy. I originally wanted to title this blog 'The Missing Ingredient', not to imply that my take on food was something unique, but that if an ingredient is on a high shelf sometimes I'll just leave it out of a recipe. Laziness is often synonymous with gluttony and, well, I can't exactly deny that. I guess that's why I was amazed and charmed by the life a honeybee leads.

1. Birth. Baby bees are fed with royal jelly, then honey and pollen.
2. Work - mainly consists of eating pollen and honey.
3. Learn to Fly.
4. Learn the "bee dance" or "waggle dance"
5. Die - get this. When we extracted the honey from the combs, we let it drain into a huge green pot. I left for a few minutes to come back and find numerous bees wallowing in the honey, clearly drowning, and yet....their tongues were out. As the bees struggled not to get sucked deeper and deeper, they were simultaneously trying to eat as much honey as possible. Two bees had flown directly under the honey stream and were getting pushed lower and lower into the vat, but their mouths were wide open.

Bitter is Better?
I disagree. There is a common misconception among 'gourmands' that if you take the sugar out of something it will taste better. I suppose the idea is similar to that of dark chocolate versus milk chocolate. WRONG. Bitterness is acceptable in small quantities, when there is an actual flavor present. Unless the food is catering to a burn victim with no taste buds, the bitterness ruins the food by drowning out other flavors, thereby losing its complexity. I had some olive oil the other day from a fairly prestigious local farm which may as well have come from uncured olives.
Please, please, please don't tell yourself that you like dark chocolate to feel better about yourself. A lot of it tastes like dirt. Actually, burnt dirt. And this is coming from someone who loves dark chocolate. If you like milk chocolate, stick with it. Long's cashiers are in no position to judge you, anyway.

Foods That Do Not Require Teeth

Happy Independence Day. For me, it was. Really.
1. I went to the county fair with my parents and discovered that not only do you have to wait in line for rides, you have to wait in line for the bathroom. Which is more exciting?
2. I didn't get drunk.
3. I very soberly observed a toothless woman try to wrap her gums around a frozen banana.
This led me to a very interesting question. What do you eat when you don't have teeth?

My first thought was applesauce. Very simple to get past the main part of your mouth, no real chewing involved, but can a person really subsist on mashed apples? How exciting could your life be?
That led me to the fairly obvious realization that really anything mash-able is a candidate for a toothless person. Is it fair that they have to mash all their food before eating it? Is there no justice in this world?
Things That Do Not Require Mashing:
1. Peanut butter.
2. Butter.
3. Most things past their expiration date.
4. HONEY (which brings me to my next point...)

I learned how to beekeep. As in, I learned how to lift teeming piles of vicious insects out of a box and steal their sustenance. It's really kind of amazing. You have this bodysuit (read: forcefield) and no matter how angry the bees get, they can't get in and sting you. But they DON'T get mad...because you put smoke in their hive and they get really tired and then you take their honey. Also, bees are really adorable and they're actually fuzzy and they look like kittens but you can't pet them because you're wearing gloves. When they fall asleep they all cuddle together and ...then you take their honey.
Homemade (haha, as if I made it) honey is so much better than you can get in a store. I know, I know, this is true about anything, blah blah blah, but it really is better, because there is no danger or excitement when you get it from a store. Stores could make it more thrilling by releasing hornets or letting a bear lumber through the aisles every time you bought a jar of honey, but so far I can't find a supermarket like that. Oh, also it tastes better because it isn't boiled down. And it kind of tastes like flowers. Also, honeycombs are really intricate; when bees build outside of the racks you provide for them they create these little labyrinthine tunnels winding in and out of the wax. Super exciting!

Titan Wall-E

Are our memories so short that a movie like "Wall-E" can come out only eight years after a movie like "Titan A.E."? It's one thing when an animated movie makes a visual tribute to a non-animated movie (as in "Wall-E"'s reference to the movie "Titanic" when the people slide down the platform), but when the storyline is so similar I don't see a point in remaking it. Besides, I thought that "Titan A.E." was much more compelling, humorous, and uplifting.

Let's draw similarities...
1. Animation: this opened up possibilities that wouldn't have otherwise been feasible. Then again, Wall-E didn't take full advantage of these other than in some space scenes, which have been demonstrated possible by the "Star Wars" series. Besides, humans weren't shown as grotesquely fat enough to need to be animated; then again, I guess it would be more expensive to hire a bunch of 300 lbs + actors than to simply animate them. In other words, Wall-E could have been done without animation...whereas Titan A.E. made new creatures that would have been much more difficult without animation.
2. Critique of modern society: "Titan A.E." criticizes endless/needless war, while "Wall-E" is a critique of consumerism and the lack of sustainability. Both movies show Earth's residents vacating like cowards.
3. Love between a bad-ass female and a male who originally fears/hates her. SO original.
4. A new beginning. The ending depicted by Wall-E was slightly more realistic; it didn't happen all at once, but where on Earth (haha) did they get that endless supply of seeds?

I love Pixar...but they have definitely had better films. If you saw the short film in the beginning, though, I thought that was much more enjoyable than the feature, so if you can find that without seeing the movie you might want to do that. And watch "Titan A.E." if you haven't seen it!

Steak Jam and Pineapple Cutlets

I do not always encourage creativity. In the wrong hands it can be very dangerous.

My family and I go camping in the Sierras every year. The people are lovely, the surroundings breathtaking, and the food...not exactly food. The new manager didn't look over forty, but her culinary experience must have been inspired by Great Depression-era parents who not only saved every scrap of food but used it, regardless of age. Furthermore, I suspect she may have formerly worked in a prison kitchen: none of the food had sharp edges. This is all very well for chocolate pudding, but even the tortilla chips were soft and round. The effect is achieved by boiling everything for a few hours past its prime, so that even the toothless members of camp could successfully ingest the coleslaw without later coughing up hard bits of cabbage.

One night I opted out of everything but the dessert, a red pudding with what looked like pieces of dried fruit. I later discovered that the red "pudding" was actually a congealed attempt at gravy; in accordance with the chef's No Food Left Behind policy the meat drippings had been
preserved and placed next to the cookies.

There was the night we found burnt raccoon fur on the outdoor grill right before BBQ night...
To the staff's credit, however, they put on a good show. One night had a Mexican theme, and even the preserved "red pudding" made an appearance, festively decorated with broken up tortilla chips painted like Mexican flags. Hawaiian night ended with a dessert that was essentially the meat entree without meat. The chef made a mistake by serving it in clear cups; her WWII-era parents had clearly taught her nothing about taking her victims by surprise.

Fortunately for you, dear reader, the cups' transparency allowed me to see the ingredients and figure out some semblance of a recipe. I haven't tried it, and don't anticipate ever trying it, but if anyone does you should let me know.

ingredients
- 1 pineapple, either excessively ripe or partially chewed
- 12 packets unflavored gelatin
- dried coconut flakes
- flavor
*for a main course, add mystery meat

1. Read the directions on the gelatin packets and halve the amount of water necessary. Don't stir the gelatin when you add the water. This will result in lumps, but don't remove these before serving the dessert to your guests. mash the pineapple a bit more. Serve.

When we returned home our milk had gone bad, but this led me to the unexpected discovery that half-and-half yields amazing hot chocolate. Don't try if you have ever been or ever plan on being on a diet.

Scharffen....Berger

We visited the Scharffen Berger factory today. You're actually not allowed to use those two words (Scharffen/Berger) in the same space. Louis Vuitton could sue you. Allow me to explain...

John Scharffenberger (it would be really embarrassing if I misspelled this, considering it's clearly printed in the picture above...) was primarily a well-established vintner (read: wine maker). His sparkling white wine was used to toast the end of the Cold War. He was also a business man, and when his friend Robert Steinberg presented to him the idea of beginning a chocolate company, he readily agreed. He had sold his wine company to Louis Vuitton prior to starting the chocolate company, however, and along with the wine agreement had gone his name...so he wasn't allowed to use his own last name. This is how the name separation was born.
Factory tour! Kind of amazing, considering it was prefaced with bowls of chocolate. Unfortunately I was sitting between an old fat man without teeth and a large woman (?) with copious amounts of facial hair and they were both watching me closely as I took my ONE chocolate sample. The toothless man held the chocolate in his sweaty palms until it started to melt before placing it between his gums and sucking on it throughout the rest of the tour.
"Our chocolate comes primarily from [SSSseeeewwwp!] and Central America. The fat is removed and you can rub it all over your skin [ssssewwwp ssssseewwwp ssssewwwwp]."
When the tour guide came around to offer us hairnets, he instructed the men with beards to wear them on their faces as well as their heads. He paused at the woman next to me, uncertain if he should offer her one or two. She glared up at him and he wavered for a moment, and then moved on. The man next to me coughed loudly and for a moment I thought he had started choking on his chocolate sample, but he was trying to get the attention of the tour guide.
"You didn't give me one, mister," he said. Keep in mind that this man was bald.
"Oh," said the tour guide.
"Yeah," said the old man. I mean, really bald. Like if he went on a long hike with his family no one would want to walk behind him because of sun glare.
The guide politely handed him a hairnet and the man snapped it on over his shiny pate. It rode up the entire tour and I swear if the tour had been any longer it would have shot off his head and someone would be eating bits of tissuey fabric with their semisweet nibby.

On that note, I do recommend Scharffen Berger (it's a really small factory and if you live in the Bay Area you should take a tour!). I would be careful choosing their chocolate, however; most of it is really bitter and although I don't like milk chocolate their milk chocolate is dark enough for me. I recommend their milk chocolate nibby, because it's crunchy and not too sweet.
http://www.scharffenberger.com/products.asp?dept=2

The Incredible Hulk

This movie screamed "Sequel!" from the moment Edward Norton's eyes turned bright green. Let's ignore the obvious inconceivabilities. What bothers me above all is inconsistency...

1. Is it apparent to anyone else that when cars/large vehicles/anything containing humans flips over, regardless of how much force is involved or what the actual impact should be, it is completely up to the plot's discrepancy whether or not those inside live? This can be seen in "Blues Brothers 2000" in the scene near the end when dozens of police cars suddenly flip, without any real reason other than it will give the protagonists more time. Similarly, it seems very convenient that those who live are the ones who will further the plot. This may seem like an obvious tactic, but a lot of producers/special effects teams have been rather careless, especially in this movie.
2. Since this movie is largely invested in special effects, the plot would stand better on its feet if there were more details or character stories to make the audience more involved in the characters themselves. In other words, if there were no special effects, would this movie be able to stand on its own? William Hurt is quite talented, as is Edward Norton, but I'm not a big Liv Tyler fan. Also, the occasional attempts at humor were all but lost on the audience; the moments leading up to them were so anxiety-ridden and exciting that the audience wasn't prepared for them. They were also rushed through; there wasn't time after to really let them absorb.

Tim Roth, an actor who frequently plays the antagonist/nemeses, was a strong point of the movie. I was a bit disappointed to see that most of his character was seen as his metamorphed self (ironically enough he played Gregor Samsa in the 1987 adaptation of Kafka's "Metamorphosis").


SPOILER ALERT
1. I was thoroughly disappointed and a bit disgusted by Ross's insistence that the Hulk not kill the white beast (does it have a name?) and this did nothing to make me like her character more. If the producers are retaining the character for a sequel, they might have done a better job.

Citizen Cake

I love food. I love movies. I used to make bowls of chocolate chip cookie dough and eat them while watching a film.

There is no real aim with this blog...I was in the bathroom of an arcade after losing miserably at DDR and realized the two loves of my life could be combined with a catchy title. That said, I will probably race to my computer every time I finish a movie to write exactly what I think of it. Who reads these, anyway?