Foods That Do Not Require Teeth

Happy Independence Day. For me, it was. Really.
1. I went to the county fair with my parents and discovered that not only do you have to wait in line for rides, you have to wait in line for the bathroom. Which is more exciting?
2. I didn't get drunk.
3. I very soberly observed a toothless woman try to wrap her gums around a frozen banana.
This led me to a very interesting question. What do you eat when you don't have teeth?

My first thought was applesauce. Very simple to get past the main part of your mouth, no real chewing involved, but can a person really subsist on mashed apples? How exciting could your life be?
That led me to the fairly obvious realization that really anything mash-able is a candidate for a toothless person. Is it fair that they have to mash all their food before eating it? Is there no justice in this world?
Things That Do Not Require Mashing:
1. Peanut butter.
2. Butter.
3. Most things past their expiration date.
4. HONEY (which brings me to my next point...)

I learned how to beekeep. As in, I learned how to lift teeming piles of vicious insects out of a box and steal their sustenance. It's really kind of amazing. You have this bodysuit (read: forcefield) and no matter how angry the bees get, they can't get in and sting you. But they DON'T get mad...because you put smoke in their hive and they get really tired and then you take their honey. Also, bees are really adorable and they're actually fuzzy and they look like kittens but you can't pet them because you're wearing gloves. When they fall asleep they all cuddle together and ...then you take their honey.
Homemade (haha, as if I made it) honey is so much better than you can get in a store. I know, I know, this is true about anything, blah blah blah, but it really is better, because there is no danger or excitement when you get it from a store. Stores could make it more thrilling by releasing hornets or letting a bear lumber through the aisles every time you bought a jar of honey, but so far I can't find a supermarket like that. Oh, also it tastes better because it isn't boiled down. And it kind of tastes like flowers. Also, honeycombs are really intricate; when bees build outside of the racks you provide for them they create these little labyrinthine tunnels winding in and out of the wax. Super exciting!